36:HONORING OUR MOTHERS
I remember sitting cross legged in front of my mother, book in hand, as she painstakingly detangled the mess of curls that framed my head. Like a choreographed dance, her fingers would deftly weave thick globs of coconut oil through each strand as I struggled to keep my head still and devour the next page simultaneously. My hunger for exploring worlds so far from my own were quickly tempered by my mother's whispered reminders, between braids, of how “good” girls kept their hair “right”. As I grew into my own version of what is “good”, and interrogated the rigid scripts my mother wrote, I realized that I had the agency to dictate my own narrative, hair included.
As we approach another Mother's Day, I am reminded of my relationship with my mother. Our relationship to our mothers are the first relationships we make, so safe to say there’s a lot of history there. Psychologists confirm that experiences and relationships in early childhood shape lifelong health, behavioral and learning patterns. Our mothers are our first role models, we absorb a great deal of how to navigate, express, and respond to the world around us through our mothers eyes. And so, it is only fitting that this relationship, as a site for self-awareness, has plenty to teach us. Investigating the nuances of our relationship to our mothers, and even our mother’s relationship to her mother, can ultimately shed insight on our relationship to ourselves.
I traversed the tenuous line between child and adult when I realized that my mother is as flawed and human as the rest of us. Like any other person, my mother carries with her the complex histories, emotions and memories passed down from generational trauma. Once I brought my mom down from the glorified pedestal that I kept her on, propped with hefty and unrealistic expectations, I could more clearly see the cultural, geographic, and generational differences that influence our individual experiences.
I realized that I was looking to my mother to fill the tender place within me that seeks belonging and acceptance. I appeased her to win her love by changing things about myself to fit her expectations. But inevitably this resulted in a growing resentment for my mother. By looking under the belly of anger in our relationship I ultimately learned the hard lesson that no external person can fill the need for belonging, not even my mother. In fact, the best thing I could do to foster emotional honesty in our relationship is to show up as myself and communicate clear boundaries and expectations. When I switched my perspective to allow space to see my mother as just another relationship in my life, I not only spared myself a lot of hurt and disappointment, but I also opened an avenue for forgiveness.
Scattered old photographs around my mother’s apartment remind me of a bold, strong-willed young woman who had many dreams of her own before she was my mother. My heart softens and my empathy grows as I imagine her acclimating to America while raising a daughter alone. While my mother and I have our fair share of conflict and disagreement, I hold such immense gratitude and respect for her as my first confidant, friend, and advocate. I know that breaking the patterns of emotional abuse, silence, and shame in my relationship with my mother will allow me to build healthier relationships in the future. Who knows, maybe one day I will have a daughter of my own and have the opportunity to experience this relationship from the other side. This Mother’s Day I honor my relationship with my mother by accepting our differences and fortifying an ethos of love that is unconditional.
Sometimes I think of my mom when I reach through my curls and struggle to get the right angle to braid the back of my head. I notice that my own braids never quite match her detailed patterns, and I am reminded that no one can replace my mother.
